emotional eating

why I was so fat

The simplest explanation is that I ate too much and didn’t do anything but sit on my fat ass waiting for it to get fatter.  By the way, I do NOT mean “fat” as in, “Oh, I’m so fat, my size 2 jeans are a tad snug!”

I’ve gotten very heavy twice in my life.  Both times I was in a relationship.  It has a little bit to do with my desire to please coinciding so perfectly with a man’s unending appetite for food.  I do like cooking.  I like when people eat my cooking and enjoy it.  And I like enjoying it with them.  Whipping up a lasagna is sure to garner some praise.  I like praise.

I’m sure there is some kind of fun psychobabble reason why this happens when I am in love.  Maybe I don’t think I deserve to be loved.  Maybe I am afraid of being rejected for my weight so I put on a bunch of weight to make sure the boyfriend isn’t going to run off when I inevitably get fatter.  Maybe I was emotionally scarred by the focus my whole family put on weight and it makes it impossible to have a healthy attitude about it or believe that there isn’t something horribly wrong with me, even when there isn’t.  Funny thing is, neither guy ever cared about the weight gain or much about the weight loss, honestly.  I think my current boyfriend is actually missing some of that flab.  I swear to god, if he leaves me for someone fatter, I WILL take him on Dr. Phil.

I have identified several emotions and situations that cause me to overeat or eat when I am not hungry.

  • Boredom. “Nothing to do, may as well eat.”
  • Stress.  “I had a hard day so I deserve this 2000 calorie Carl’s Jr. dinner”
  • Sadness. “I can’t control this horrible thing in my life, but I can eat this pie.”
  • Social situations. “I have to eat french toast AND bacon AND eggs AND potatoes because all my friends are eating it.”
  • Anger. “Fuck this shit, I’m having an ice cream sundae.”
  • Drinking. “I’m drunk and I don’t give a shit what’s good for me!  Pass the chili cheese fries.”

The remedy that has worked so well for me is simply to stop and think and not drink enough to get drunk.  I know, I too am amazed at the complexity.

Kind of like that day I realized I wouldn’t have gotten so fat if I hadn’t eaten so much.

2 thoughts on “why I was so fat

  1. So true. Others of us deal with the identical feelings by food-restriction or by becoming completely anorexic. In my family, it was “good” to be thin and a terrible sin to be plump. I still remember, at 10, going for a second mint chocolate chip ice cream cone and having my dad make a remark about my tummy growing a bit plump. Mom gave me a book when I was 12 that had a line in it that i will never forget,” A minute on your lips; a lifetime on your hips.” When I became anorexic at 14 my brother thought it was a “cool” Buddist ritual of starvation. My parents finally noticed a problem when the doc said I was going to die. No treatment center for me…..too embarrassing for the family….so heaps of guilt piled on by mostly Mom got me to start eating. Only lasted 5 months but I still, years later, hear that voice condemning me for “pigging out.” I eat because I enjoy it; I eat healthy food; but the you’re fat/ you’re thin battle can easily be erected.

    I swore that I would NEVER make an issue with my daughter about her weight, but I must have done something wrong. My daughter did not have a father to nurture her; I tried to counter his nasty obesity comments and those of my mother’s…..but I could also see the comments coming in from her siblings, from my mother, from her friends at school, from one particularly undermining girlfriend who told my daughter she was anorexic looking when she was a size 10 an urged her to EAT. Some sick dynamics here. Friend wanting a friend to remain obese….so as to minimize the competition? That same spoiled b—ch had sex with most of my daughter’s boyfriends and included my son in a tryst at a slumber party.

    To eat, or not to eat….that remains a question for so many of us struggling with our self-image, what our partners want, who we are, and who we can become.

    The one thing about this blog that troubles me is that I am currently living in an impoverished area of the US and an unemployed. We live on food rejected by “regular” people. Food Banks often serve out of date goods and moldy bread, We would love to be able to afford to cook some of the delicious meals outlined in this great blog. However, we feel it is for “The Rich”.We’d LOVE greek yoghurt…sorry Charlie- USDA rejected cheese comes to our family.”

    Often one sees obviously obese very poor people. I think this blog provides the answer.

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