Destructive

FAT

FAT

It’s one of those words that means so much more than its dictionary definition.

When a woman says “I’m Fat.”  in a particular way, what she’s really saying is “I’m worthless.”

Women reserve calling another girl “Fat” for the times when we want to hurt one another the most.

We dread the word “Fat” even more than the words “Ugly”, “Stupid”, or “Bitch”.

And we learn it early.  Just yesterday I witnessed a little spat between a 6 year old girl and her 4 year old sister.  The 4 year old resorted to calling her big sister “fat” (which she most certainly is not) and the 6 year old burst into immediate tears.

I used to be that girl.  If someone made a comment about my weight, it crushed me.

We often say “I’m fat” to ourselves and it isn’t even true.  It’s part of the way women talk to each other.  “I’m soo fat” “No, YOU aren’t fat, but look how fat I am!” “Oh no, you’re nowhere near as fat as I am!”

As a legitimately fat person, it has always driven me crazy when thin girls say “I’m fat.”  They will even say it in front of a fat person!  My own mother used to say it constantly in front of me, despite the fact that I was much bigger than her.

I was very fat not so long ago.  When I matter-of-factly state this, most people will say something like “You weren’t that fat!”  Um, 287 pounds?  Yeah, I was THAT fat.

When I say “I’m fat”, I’m not making any judgment upon myself beyond the literal meaning of the word.  Being fat doesn’t make me worthless.  I’m not saying it out of self hatred.  It is a statement of fact, much like saying “I’m blond” or “I’m Irish” or “I’m near sighted”. Being fat was a result of the way I was living my life.  It was my decision to change it and to do this effectively, I needed to rid myself of all the pain of the word.  I needed to look at this objectively.  I’ve spent the past year peeling away those onion skin layers of emotional destruction that surrounded my weight issues.  I’m happy to report that I am slowly but surely recognizing them and overcoming them.

Losing weight and being not fat is not going to change everything in my life.  My problems aren’t going to disappear just because I am a healthy weight.  Some things will be better, like my general health, energy level, and appearance.  But that is not the whole of who I am.

One can be very happy and be overweight just as one can be skinny and miserable.

Being fat is a choice.  Losing weight is a choice as well.  Loving yourself is a choice.  Making that choice takes a lot of work, but it IS possible.

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