Weight

193

Confidence: It’s not about how you look.  It’s about how you feel about how you look.

I have been thinner than I am right now one time before in my adult life.  But I was never happy with my body.  My state of mind was all screwed up.  I was so obsessed with being thinner and weighing less that I couldn’t even see what I looked like.  I remember ONE time, laying in bed and looking at my flat stomach and thinking how thin I looked and admiring my hip bones.  But other than that, I never enjoyed being thin.  I was too focused on the number and losing more weight.

Today, I am 193 pounds and I feel fantastic about my body.  Not because it is perfect, mind you.  I still have at least 10 pounds to lose, and I have the same battle scars any person who has lost weight has.  I have stretch marks and cellulite.  My upper arms are still quite flabby and my stomach still has that little upper belly pouch- you know, as if I was wearing some too tight jeans.  I have accepted that I will never have a perfect body.  In reality there is no such thing.

But my body is so beautiful, even in it’s imperfection.  I can’t get enough of looking at my new figure.  I can’t believe I thought I was ugly before.  I have a great body, perfectly proportional.  My shoulders are wider than my hips and my hips are wider than my waist.  It’s a lovely slightly bottom-heavy hourglass shape.  39-31-41.  And my legs!  They are so long.  My thighs are so muscular.  I can’t believe I used to wish my legs weren’t so long.  I wanted to be petite like all my cute little friends.  What an idiot I was!

Because of all the exercise I have done, my butt is now a cute round bubble instead of wide and flat like it was when I was heavy.  When I wear a pair of jeans, I feel proud of the booty I’ve been working so hard to achieve.

How did this happen? I keep asking myself.  I would like to explain it to you, my reader, and tell you how I went from hating my body to loving it in spite of its flaws.  But there is no one simple answer.  It is much more complicated than I can ever hope to explain in words, I’m afraid.  And it isn’t just one thing.  It is a combination of everything that has happened in the last 2 years.

I can tell you some of the components that went into it though:

  • regular exercise.
  • learning to appreciate my body for it’s athletic and physical abilities, not just it’s appearance.
  • realizing that my body IS me, not some external shell
  • healthy eating.  feeding myself the best food I can in the right quantities.
  • thinking about everything I put in my mouth and not mindlessly eating.  it is a great act of self love to feed yourself in the best possible manner.
  • accepting that real women all have flaws
  • accepting that being flawed is not a reason to hate yourself
  • accepting MY body type- tall, hourglass, strong, Amazon warrior woman!  and not trying to fit into someone else’s body ideal.
  • stopping judging myself against flawless models and celebrities or thin friends.  only judging myself against myself.
  • learning to dress my body type, not hopelessly wishing that I would look good in clothes that looks good on rail thin women.
  • taking time to give myself positive self talk and avoiding negative self talk.  if I wouldn’t say it to a friend, I don’t say it to myself.
  • accepting compliments as truth.
  • taking time to really look at myself in the mirror and appreciating all the changes to my figure.
  • refusing to punish myself or do anything destructive to myself.  caring about myself and my health.
  • learning to accept and deal with my emotions and life problems, not ignoring them or pretending they aren’t there.

I wish I could take this feeling I have and bottle it.  But the truth is, you can’t just make this change over night.  I understand why it takes so long to lose weight now.  Remember, I’ve been doing this for a year and a half.  That time has been an education to me about how to be healthy and how to love myself.  I did it with baby steps.  It did not happen immediately.

You can do it too.

4 thoughts on “193

  1. Tremendous message – thank you! I especially liked what you said about your body IS you, not some external shell. I totally get what you mean, and there’s real power in what you say. Congrats and thanks for sharing!

  2. Thank you for sharing this. It hit home and I hope I get there soon. I am working on it.

    Thank you for trying to help people.

  3. Great post, Katy, and a very important point. I have always been the kind of person who spends a lot of time as my mom says: “Up in my own head”. It is very important to me this time to make this a happy place to be, because for a very long time it hasn’t been. I had lost weight in the past, but almost always regained it back because I didn’t take time to appreciate my accomplishments, instead concentrating on how much farther I still have to go. Treating yourself the way you would treat a friend is the best way to work on the negativity. I also like to think of it as sort of being your own parent – don’t say it to yourself if you wouldn’t say it to a child. That really helps with the negative self-talk.
    I’ve heard people saying that “It’s all in your head” before, but not until recently have I realized just how true that is. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think ALL of it is in your head, but much of it is. And if you approach weight loss as purely a calories in – calories out process without addressing the “gray matter”, you will almost inevitably end up losing the battle one way or another. I guess it is ironic that I’m trying to accept myself in order to change myself, but I really think we’re onto something there.
    Freud once said: “The mind is like an iceberg, it floats with one-seventh of its bulk above water. ” I happen to think that the underwater part sometimes goes unnoticed and unattended to the detriment of the body.
    Peace to your home!

  4. Hey Ky8k, enjoyed reading your blog about the process of losing weight and acceptance. I appreciate your openness and willingness to share! TOWANDA

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