I’m still a little surprised every time the scale says I still weight 180.something without much effort on my part. If the body has a “set point” or natural weight, I believe this is mine.
The number has fluctuated in a smaller and smaller range (180-185, 180-184, 180-183…) like a pendulum slowly coming to rest. I weigh myself each morning with a feeling of curiosity but no expectation, and relief that more often than not it says just what I expect, give or take a meaningless pound of water. I have made myself wise enough, finally, to never take one day’s weigh in very seriously. This is all about averages and trends, not day to day bumps and valleys.
I needed to make peace with this number. I feel like this is the place I was when everything went awry before I dieted myself into obesity. That might sound strange to some people, but I believe it is extremely common. If only I had never developed the notion of restricting what I ate, I may never have pushed myself to overeat. Of course there are emotions and life stresses at play here, but a lot of my weight gain, I believe, can be attributed to undereating and then giving in to the hunger and binging. Hunger is more powerful than my will, I finally understand after all that time. Physical need is more important than vanity.
180 pounds is a perfectly natural and healthy weight for a woman of my height and frame. I do not doubt this. I do not feel less than. I do not feel like it isn’t good enough. I feel comfortable.
And I have decided to lose 5-10 more pounds. I am very close to having a body that I have never had: an athletic figure. The women I admire most in the media and at the gym are the athlete types. I no longer covet the slimmest waist, I admire the muscular thigh, the defined shoulder, the visible obliques. I continue to work out and improve my athletic performance and physical fitness. I ran my first 5K this month and raised $1200 for breast cancer research. Now that goal is met, I need a new one. I hope to run a 10K next and I’m working on weighing 175. I have no idea what the right weight is for me. I will find it. I feel I am seeing myself clearly. I’m happy with myself. But there’s still room for improvement and I’m still motivated.
I have been neglecting this blog a bit, being past the weight loss portion of the journey. I hope to change that and to post more about what I am eating and cooking. I want to show people how well you can eat and be healthy. I’ve been having some beautiful meals. My kitchen is transformed. No brightly colored packaging here. My counters have glass containers full of grains and nuts. My fridge looks like a produce stand. My collection of oils and spices steadily grows as I expand my cooking horizons. I hope to share it with you.