Using the awesome powers of the internet, I have read all the nutrition and health information. Therefore, I understand everything there is to know about eating and health! I will now educate the poor ignorant masses using my new-found knowledge, which I alone have acquired because nobody else can read things on the internet the way I can. I have even read THREE books.
You may think you know what is best for your body and your life because you have your own personal experiences to draw on and have done some research of your own, but you are wrong. I know you believe you are healthy, but if you are not eating the foods I have decided are the healthiest and avoiding the ones that are poisoning you, good luck buddy. You’re headed down the one way path to disease and infirmity. Allow me to help you see the light.
I see you are eating radishes. That’s a big no-no! Eating a food from my personal Do Not Eat list is always a mistake, no matter who you are or what you have experienced. This must be because you are ignorant. Here, let me educate you. You should not be eating that because scienze.
I’ll just open a new tab here on my browser… there’s my search bar.. type “radish health risks”. Hmm, let’s see, oh this one looks good, it has some kind of scienzy-sounding URL. The title of the article is “Radishes: Are They the REAL Cause of Diabesity”. Let me just share that there… and for good measure I’ll get another one for you, since I alone have the power of Google… ah, here’s a good one “New Study Shows Radishes Make Your Colon Implode” Let me just share that one too… okay there we go!
So now you see, right?! You should not be eating those radishes. The human race evolved to eat a low-radish diet. Your colon will thank me. Trust.
Really? You don’t eat pears? But surely you realize that pears are the foundation of a healthy diet!! Please tell me you have read The Pear Cure by Jimmy McKnowitall. You haven’t? Oh my. Well here, let me tell you why you need to eat pears, and remember, this is what the scienze says so you can’t argue with this, it’s the end-all-be-all of truth.
Let’s see, I’ll Google “pear health benefits”… oh look at that first one, perfect! It’s from pubmed, that’s reputable. It’s called “Long-Term Study Shows Consuming Pears Reduces Risk of Stroke, Cancer, and Heart Disease”. Oh yeah and where’s that story I read last week on Bob’s Daily Pear too, the one about the girl who finally gave up radishes and started eating pears and went from a size 8 to a size 6, it was AMAZING… oh here it is… yeah look at those abs. There’s no way to argue with this, pears are the shizznit.
People who don’t eat pears are SO ignorant. Must be Radish Brain. Those radishes decrease brain function, you know.
You say you hate pears and they make you have constipation and diarrhea at the same time? That’s just your body detoxing from the toxins in the radishes. If you stick with it, AND give up those radishes you’ll feel great in 30 days. Maybe 60 days if you’re really, really radish intolerant. You are cleansing yourself. It’s a good thing.
Radishes work for you, you say? You like radishes and don’t see why you shouldn’t eat them in moderation as part of a varied diet? But the studies! Teh scienze! Fine, kill yourself if you want. It’s your body. But don’t you dare go telling other people they can eat radishes. That’s just totally unethical. You are making everyone unhealthy and single-handedly destroying the fabric of society with diabesity.
People are so stupid, I swear. If they would just stop eating radishes and eat a lot of pears, they’d all have six-pack abs. But no. They’re all too stupid and lazy to know everything about scienze like I do. Full of excuses, I tell you. Every last one of them.
I’m outta here. You lose. I win. Because scienze.