Health · Uncategorized

I Win Every Argument… With Scienze!

Using the awesome powers of the internet, I have read all the nutrition and health information.  Therefore, I understand everything there is to know about eating and health!  I will now educate the poor ignorant masses using my new-found knowledge, which I alone have acquired because nobody else can read things on the internet the way I can.  I have even read THREE books.

You may think you know what is best for your body and your life because you have your own personal experiences to draw on and have done some research of your own, but you are wrong.  I know you believe you are healthy, but if you are not eating the foods I have decided are the healthiest and avoiding the ones that are poisoning you, good luck buddy.  You’re headed down the one way path to disease and infirmity.  Allow me to help you see the light.

really, radishes?  You should know better.
really, radishes? You should know better.

I see you are eating radishes.  That’s a big no-no!  Eating a food from my personal Do Not Eat list is always a mistake, no matter who you are or what you have experienced.  This must be because you are ignorant.  Here, let me educate you.  You should not be eating that because scienze.

I’ll just open a new tab here on my browser… there’s my search bar.. type “radish health risks”.  Hmm, let’s see, oh this one looks good, it has some kind of scienzy-sounding URL.  The title of the article is “Radishes: Are They the REAL Cause of Diabesity”.  Let me just share that there… and for good measure I’ll get another one for you, since I alone have the power of Google… ah, here’s a good one “New Study Shows Radishes Make Your Colon Implode”  Let me just share that one too… okay there we go!

So now you see, right?!  You should not be eating those radishes.  The human race evolved to eat a low-radish diet.  Your colon will thank me.  Trust.

you must eat pears no matter what.
you must eat pears no matter what.

Really?  You don’t eat pears?  But surely you realize that pears are the foundation of a healthy diet!!  Please tell me you have read The Pear Cure by Jimmy McKnowitall.  You haven’t?  Oh my.  Well here, let me tell you why you need to eat pears, and remember, this is what the scienze says so you can’t argue with this, it’s the end-all-be-all of truth.

Let’s see, I’ll Google “pear health benefits”… oh look at that first one, perfect!  It’s from pubmed, that’s reputable.  It’s called “Long-Term Study Shows Consuming Pears Reduces Risk of Stroke, Cancer, and Heart Disease”.  Oh yeah and where’s that story I read last week on Bob’s Daily Pear too, the one about the girl who finally gave up radishes and started eating pears and went from a size 8 to a size 6, it was AMAZING… oh here it is… yeah look at those abs.  There’s no way to argue with this, pears are the shizznit.

People who don’t eat pears are SO ignorant.  Must be Radish Brain.  Those radishes decrease brain function, you know.

You say you hate pears and they make you have constipation and diarrhea at the same time?  That’s just your body detoxing from the toxins in the radishes.  If you stick with it, AND give up those radishes you’ll feel great in 30 days.  Maybe 60 days if you’re really, really radish intolerant.  You are cleansing yourself.  It’s a good thing.

Radishes work for you, you say?  You like radishes and don’t see why you shouldn’t eat them in moderation as part of a varied diet?  But the studies!  Teh scienze!  Fine, kill yourself if you want.  It’s your body.  But don’t you dare go telling other people they can eat radishes.  That’s just totally unethical.  You are making everyone unhealthy and single-handedly destroying the fabric of society with diabesity.

People are so stupid, I swear.  If they would just stop eating radishes and eat a lot of pears, they’d all have six-pack abs.  But no.  They’re all too stupid and lazy to know everything about scienze like I do.  Full of excuses, I tell you.  Every last one of them.

I’m outta here.  You lose.  I win.  Because scienze.

radish image source    pear image source

19 thoughts on “I Win Every Argument… With Scienze!

  1. So this explains A LOT! I now realize that I not only suffer from a pretty significant case of pear-deficiency, but I’m also borderline radish-intolerant. I’m just grateful that you didn’t cover chocolate or coffee today . . .

    If only I could master the internet as you have, Kate! 😉

  2. So funny! I sure hope I too haven’t been completely close-minded about radish baddies and similar problems. Yikes! At least I have pears going for me… And didn’t I just send an internet post off to my sister about saturated fat, the latest goodie! Because scienze!

  3. Thank you, thank you! For several months, my left nostril has been clogged. Could this be a result of the three radishes I ate in late June? Because it happened around the same time. And what can we eat if we don’t like pears? Can I have apples instead?

    Seriously, though, this is just lovely. Even educated, relatively skeptical folks can get sucked in by some of this stuff, especially if you’re suffering from a relatively mysterious auto-immune disorder, and just want some answers. It’s just not sexy enough to say, “eat a decent diet with a large variety of fruits and vegetables. And move around some. You may feel better some days; some days, you may not.” Which is, in fact, reality.

    1. You also must ensure that none of your foods have been contaminated by radishes or processed in a facility that processes radishes. If you do not take these precautions, your left nostril will eat your face.

    2. Ha ha! Apples are obviously OK because pears are friends with them. You can find the proof over at 😉

      Seriously though… I read this and felt very guilty. I have fallen victim to finding knowledge through Google and thinking I finally found the reason why I feel like crap, can’t lose weight, etc. A few months will go by with me turning my diet upside down… and I still have many of the same problems. Occasionally I find a culprit or two and end up feeling a bit better for it… but you’re right, I have good days and bad days seemingly no matter what I put in my mouth.

      This post made me laugh – the satire was not only hilarious, but a great way of pointing things out to me. I have calmed down about it all recently and amazingly I haven’t had my colon implode! yehaw!

    1. No, I was talking about the ridiculous funny kind (like, I’m going to drink nothing but juice for 5 days and shit myself silly “detox”) not the serious kind, aka, drug addiction 🙂

  4. What the Hell is this!? First, since I took the time to read this ‘blog,’ at least don’t make me look up ‘Scienze.’ Yeah, I’m anti-Monsanto for sure (or aim to be). If you’re looking to instill credibility by what you put, I don’t know – in one hand, it is like maybe this Lady is really ‘breaking the mold’ (and good on her), and in the other it is so abstract, and full of slang to which you don’t expound upon – it could be categorized into ‘the stuff online you don’t want to trust.’ Which one is it (rhetorical question, unless you want to email me directly).

  5. Oh Em Gee. You are hilarious. It’s sometimes very mind-boggling how some people don’t do any research or do any actual looking before the follow the advice of someone else. You make that very funny, but at the same time you are informing so it’s not obnoxious.

    I agree with you that pears rock, but I like it more in a juice than eating it whole 😉

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